Super Harry Versus The Triwizard Tournament
by Right What Is Wrong
Summary: A tribute to all the fics that prefer to have Harry cope with the trials and tribulations of his fourth year through overwhelming firepower. (Parody. Crackfic. Oneshot.)


**Author's Note** : Content note for jokes referencing sex involving an underage Harry. This is a super!Harry - what do you expect?

* * *

As Harry Potter set foot in the arena, he smirked and assumed his Animagus form.

"Magnificent!" Bagman boomed as the fourth Champion advanced upon his target. "A Hungarian Horntail Animagus! And at so young an age, too! Mr. Potter must intend to engage in single combat with the beast! Look, he's grappling it now-"

The announcer took a second look, and his eyes widened.

"OH MERLIN! OH MERLIN, _WHY_?"

###

A full hour had passed, and not one Champion had surfaced.

A cheer broke from the crowd as a head bobbed above water, only to turn into booing as it became clear it was no Champion, but rather one of the hostages. When no Champion arrived to haul Mr. Weasley to shore, the judges elected to do so before the stasis wore off.

Shortly, a merman appeared with one Champion under each arm and deposited them on the lakeshore, then began to squawk at the judges. Dumbledore's brow furrowed, and he turned to the crowd to translate.

"Mr. Potter has conquered the merpeople of the Black Lake and will, from now on, rule as their king." More screeching followed. "He has taken Miss Granger, Miss Chang, and Miss Delacour as his brides, having cast permanent Water-Breathing Charms on all of them, and is letting the younger Miss Delacour live with them as a houseguest until she is of an age to decide whether she wishes to join her sister."

"But Cho is my girlfriend!" cried the bedraggled Cedric Diggory.

More screeching came from the merman. "Apparently Miss Chang's statement was that, upon reflection, you're... ah... a pompous invertebrate who would likely join the Death Eaters to avenge the slightest insult to your pride," Dumbledore translated. "Please don't look at me like that, Mr. Diggory. I was being generous. The exact Mermish rendering of the statement leads me to believe Miss Chang was a tad more vulgar in her original phrasing."

As Dumbledore began to ramble about how young ladies would never speak so back in his day, a final squawk came from the messenger. The old man perked up and turned to Krum, who just sat on the shore mutely. "Ah yes! Mr. Potter would like to inform you that he is not entirely lacking in generosity." Krum raised his head, faint hope glimmering in his eyes. "Young Ronald is all yours."

###

"Thish lubbly - lovebbly - mm, whatsh it matter," slurred Bagman, drinking openly from a bottle of Ogden's Best. "Jusht get in the hedgesh. Firsht to Cup wins." Then he slumped back in his seat, one arm over his eyes.

Before the others could comply, Harry Potter, a bit miffed by being hauled away from his conjugal bliss, turned into his Animagus form and breathed fire.

"But I thought we fireproofed them," Dumbledore murmured as the hedges turned into a single sheet of flame.

"It's Potter. I don't see why you're surprised at this point," snarled Karkaroff, pulling the bottle of Firewhiskey from Bagman's nerveless fingers and taking a swig himself.

Madame Maxine was too preoccupied reading the boy's marriage proposal to comment. It was of course absurd, but... being a large woman in every sense, she was intrigued by his suggestions of positions only underwater buoyancy could enable...

"Oh, the 'umanity!" wept Hagrid as XXXXX-rated magical creatures fled the burning maze. "The poor babies! The innocent mites! Diggory, Krum, yeh brutes! Leave that 'elpless creature alone, yeh 'orrible beasts!"

Diggory and Krum, running for dear life from an enraged locomotive-sized Blast-Ended Skrewt, were unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, Harry ambled in a straight line towards the Cup - and promptly disappeared.

###

As he stared into the eyes of an unamused Hungarian Horntail, Peter Pettigrew regretted every decision he had ever made in his life.

###

"And so, you see, the Power He Knew Not was love," Dumbledore proclaimed to a bewildered crowd as Harry Potter marched off, Wormtail slung over one shoulder and a bawling baby Voldemort over the other. Mad-Eye Moody had joined Karkaroff and Bagman in crippling alcoholism, and the three were half-passed-out in a huddle at Maxine's feet.

"Oui, well," said Fleur, adjusting herself on her cushion and wincing. She had shown up early, wearing a smile on her face a mile wide, and begged off on the Task on the grounds of temporary difficulty walking. "He certainly 'as a great deal of _zat_."


End file.
